All in My Head
by illumipel
Summary: The flame in the candle flickered again. I’m not sure why I’m noticing this, but I have the insane urge to play with it. But this isn’t me. It’s him.


I shold be working on the next chapter of "Almost Alive" but screw that for the moment I just had to post this. My dear friend Jen had this dream (no I kid you not, this all came for a dream) where she was on a forum and someone she was talking to yelled at her for not calling Axel "Riku's Nobody." We a both now convinced that it is actually true, considering we've found mounting evidence for this. **So if you have any problem with this crackpot theory Jen has requested you go and complain to her. Since shehasn't been on her account for this site in ages, her deviantART page is ****http/laughingastarael. size=1 width=100% noshade>**

**All In My Head**

_I don't even know why I'm writing this._

_I was never the journal type, though this is just some loose-leaf I found in my room rather than a real journal. I usually prefer letting actions do the talking for me. Just go and ask Sora, he has the lumpy head to prove it. _

_But then again…ever since we got back, everything… just seems different. _

_No… that's wrong – our home hasn't changed at all. I'm the one who's changed. _

_There are times when… never mind. Back to the island. _

_Though it's generally the same, there are some things that have changed. Small things. Like the size of the plants or the height of the little kids who weren't allowed to come with us to the island. The challenge of Wakka trying to hit me with his - what's it called again, oh yeah - Blitzball, while I block it with my wooden sword. It just doesn't hold the same thrill. Sometimes, I'm prone to double takes with little things, or I have to hold back when Tidus asks me to spar with him. From fighting so much this past year, I could really hurt him. _

_Though, with all of his confidant boasts about his 'immense' strength, I'm sorely tempted to. _

_Despite all this, I'm able to hide most of the fear and confusion building up in the small, dark corners of my heart. Sometimes – rarely, though - Sora'll spot it and challenge me to a sparring mach like the ones we used to have to help me feel more at home, or so he says. _

_That damn sap._

_It works, too. _

_It helped me gain back my old self. I was even able to get out of my parents house to live with Sora nearby before our first month back to the islands was even over._

_I always did have a gift convincing other people that I could take care of myself._

_Nevertheless, that didn't stop our parents from having small heart attacks when we came back that glorious first day._

_Kairi took us back to the main island on a small boat; where it was from, I have no idea. At the time Sora and I were busy discussing what to do next while going over the Ki- I mean Mickey's letter for probably the tenth time that day. We decided that it'd be wise to stay close to each other in case something happened… again. Our resident princess suggested that me and him get a small place to stay together, so if one of us were to be attacked the other would be right there to help him. _

_That girl's a real genius sometimes._

_When we got to the town we were attacked by the monsters - I'm not sure if they'd count as Heartless or Nobodies - that I have come accustomed to calling "Mom" and "Mrs. H."_

_Sora claims his mother cracked most of his ribs with the hug._

_After a while we were able to calm them down, and Sora made up a tale about how we got lost at sea trying to save the raft from the storm that now seems so long ago. It amazes me how gullible parents can be at times. Sora and I eventually convinced our parents to let us live on our own. So here we are in our small abode in between both of our parents' homes. _

_When we were settled in and our parents stopped calling every fifteen minutes to make sure we were still there, Sora and I traded stories._

_And I found out about Axel._

_I had already known him from Castle Oblivion, but I didn't know that much. I only faced him in a short skirmish before he disappeared. _

_I never knew that I could be so similar to him at times, though._

_He was close with Roxas; that much I knew. I did not know just how far he was willing to go to help him, though. Axel gave his life - or physical existence I should say - so Sora could continue on, because he knew what Sora was to Roxas. _

_It's like what I had nearly done when I became Xehanort's Heartless to capture that stubborn Nobody for Ansem the Wise. I could have been swallowed by the darkness, just to become another Heartless that Sora would have destroyed. But I lived. On top of that, I have my real body back, despite the fact that it might only be because of Ansem's machine exploding. Who knows? _

_Maybe one of his reports will explain it. I'll have to raid Sora's room later when he's out with Kairi and the others for it. I'm sure he won't mind; the room is usually a train wreck as it is. _

_Sora told me Axel said that Roxas made him feel like 'he had a heart.' As cheesy as it could sound and what directions the comment could be taken in… I understood. _

_I feel the same way when I'm with Sora. _

_Now, there's nothing past platonic in our friendship: if one would even hint at it being anything else, I'd show them just how much better I've gotten with a sword. Go to Wakka if you don't believe me - I nearly broke his arm. Still don't think that it convinced him, though. Maybe I should have tried going for his legs…_

_Ack. I'm going off on a tangent. Sorry._

_What I mean is in the sense that, well, as Namine had put it when I'd sit with her and talk: everything was all right. I'm twisted and warped from the darkness but Sora's naiveté helps me forget that. It helps me forget I gave into the darkness, that I believed Maleficent's lies and false promises. It helps me forget that I tossed everything dear away. It… it…_

_It helps me forget that I tried to kill him. _

_Roxas must have made him feel that way too. _

_That feeling of true innocence. The feeling I lost that night when the Heartless attacked. _

_However, there are smaller things that I've started to notice besides this too. The ability to call up portals to move through the darkness is one of them, but I've lost that power._

_Then there are the dark attacks ((as well)). When I had a stronger connection to the darkness, I could charge through enemies at greater speeds then I can reach now. The speed that Axel possessed as Sora described it sounds rather close. Then there's my favorite dark spell: the one that has me shooting a ball of dark fire from my hand, appropriately named 'Dark Flare.' Axel's element was fire. _

_I believe that it is self-explanatory. _

_Then there's our appearance, particularly the hair. From what I can remember and Sora's analysis of Axel, our hair is roughly the same length, mine being just a tad longer. Sora joked about how if I used a ton of hair gel that I might get it spiked up like Axel. I whacked him over the head for the comment._

_He still doesn't know that I actually tried it when he went over to his parents for his mom's birthday. It looked like a cross between Xemnas, who I now look slightly similar to from the whole possessed-by-the-darkness thing, and Axel. _

_Disturbing. Very Disturbing._

_Lastly, there's our personality. I, personally, like to call myself confident. Sora, on the other hand, says both Axel and I are as cocky as the sky is blue. I told him once that part of the day it's orange and red. He just stuck his tongue out at me, stomped off muttering some rather choice words about me, and said something along the lines of him going over to Kairi's. _

_Still… he has a point._

_We are similar._

_The flame of the candle on my desk just flickered, almost as if it agrees. To a point it's… comforting. _

_But it's physically impossible. _

_Axel can't be my Nobody. He just can't._

_I was lost to the darkness at one point, but never swallowed completely by it. If that were to happen you'd become a Heartless, or die at least. I should know, I've seen it happen to so many during my travels after all. From creatures like the dragon in China to people such as Maleficent - though she somehow came back - it's universal. The closest I came to that was when Xehanort's Heartless had complete control over me, and I lost my real form. I kept my mind, though. Somewhere inside of that form I was there, perfectly sane... or as sane as one could be in such a situation._

_But it's not the same thing. It's just not._

_…Right?_

"Riku!"

_But nonetheless: sometimes I'll call Sora 'Roxas' in my mind or look at Kairi and see Naminé when she's writing out homework or study notes for school. That can easily be explained, however, since Roxas and Naminé are their Nobodies, and I did know the two rather well. But it doesn't explain how, when I take walks in the twilight, my bangs seem to turn vibrant red for a second. It doesn't explain how I can be so angry and then look at a simple flame on a candle and be at peace. I just don't understand how I can feel like a completely different person at times. _

_Then again, ever since I opened my heart to the darkness, I found that I don't understand a lot of things. _

"**_Riiiikuuuuu!_**"

_Like how Sora can be one of the Keyblade masters and still be my oblivious, carefree, nut job of a best friend, who, for God knows why, has trouble with simple magic spells._

"What is it, Sora?"

"The fire won't light!" There was a pause, laced with embarrassment, "…Again."

_For some reason my hair seems more red then ever and I feel like I'm in the Organization outfit I had donned after the rather interesting journey through Castle Oblivion. Sora's whining voice doesn't have the same tone and the walls seem whiter then ever. The flame in the candle flickered again. I'm not sure why I'm noticing this, but I have the insane urge to play with it._

_But this isn't me. It's him. _

_It can't be though; I wasn't a Heartless. I was never that tall, nor did I ever use those strange weapons that Sora described. I'm not ambidextrous, though I once claimed that to annoy Sora when he nearly bested me in a match. I'm not a joker; Kairi complains at times that I'm too serious. Nobodies, from what I can tell, have the same eyes as their original selves. His eyes are too green; mine are more of a blue green…well, according to Selphie anyway. _

_Yet there are those moments where all of my reason melts away and it just seems right. We both gave up everything for our friends, right?_

_The fire looks so beautiful._

"Riku! Did you hear me?"

"Hmph. Really Sora, I'm **not** your lighter. Got it memorized?"

_But then again, it's probably all in my head._

_**Fin.**_


End file.
